the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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