i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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