wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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