i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
