Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
