soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Randomize
