You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
