I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
