So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
i drank out of a bidet.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
