grandma shit on top of the toilet
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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