Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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