his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
