umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
