Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
