WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
