mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
