don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
His hands were made for my vagina.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
