It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
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