WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
