6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
