He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
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Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
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Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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