The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
