I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
