god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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