your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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