mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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