So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
why is half of my head shaved?
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