im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
