i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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