I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
