I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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