no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
why do cheetos always look like penises
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
