Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
