Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
