also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
