Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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