Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Then you guys just all showered together...?
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