We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
