so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
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My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
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you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
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I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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