i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
