I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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