I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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