there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
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I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
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The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You were trust falling into bushes
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize