So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Is Oprah even human
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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