I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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