I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
