last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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