imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
