i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
