Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
She made me pour olive oil on her.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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