I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
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