I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
