it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
