i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
