my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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