i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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