sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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