I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
The beer is more important than you right now.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
