Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
