in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
