Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
