I'm so fucking centered right now
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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