Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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