On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
