we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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